So Many Ways to Get the Boot
The Story of Seniors Tossed Out of their Communities
Over the seven years that my parents have lived in senior communities, I’ve witnessed various creative ways to oust residents. Despite the number of notches on our eviction belt, each experience has been stressful and the mere idea of being forced out again causes anxiety.
I must admit, the first forced exit caught us by surprise. Mom and Dad lived in a secure assisted living facility, their first senior community complex. It was a faith-based community that my parents quickly called home. They liked everything about it - the food, their apartment and especially Bible study and other Christian activities.
All was well until it wasn’t. Mom got sick, went into the hospital and was discharged to rehab. Thinking she would return to her apartment with Dad after rehab, we selected the faith-based community’s skilled nursing facility where she spent a month. At the end of the 30-day Medicare-covered period, community leadership told me Mom was banned from her apartment. Just like that, I was thrust into a rushed senior community search process.
After another hospital and rehab stay, Mom had pretty serious physical health issues that became the focus of our new apartment search. My parents’ next community had to be equipped to handle her medical needs. The community also needed to be appropriate for dementia residents because she and Dad, though high functioning, had dementia.
We found the perfect community for Mom. It was an assisted living community capable of providing higher skilled nursing services. Before she moved in, we moved Dad in, requesting escort services for him. Within weeks of his moving in, community staff left him at the dinner table in an empty dining room. He got lost trying to find his apartment and left the facility’s premises.
That’s when the ejection strategy began. Post haste I was required to have a sitter for Dad all day, every day (in addition to paying apartment rent and fees for my parents). Scheduling care 24/7 is a struggle, requiring the marshaling of sufficient resources for all hours of the day. But equally stressful, if the scheduled sitter didn’t show up, I had to drop what I was doing and rush to my parents’ apartment.
As if we lacked incentive to move Dad out, the facility director reported me to Adult Protective Services (APS). One day APS appeared at Dad’s apartment unannounced, leaving a number for me to call them. I called, scheduled a meeting and met an APS agent. Realizing my desire to provide a quality lifestyle for my parents, ideally keeping them together, the agent volunteered to help me find resources to support my parents continuing to live together.
After about six months, I said the proverbial “uncle.” I acknowledged I was going to have to separate Mom and Dad. Dad needed a secure facility with lots of activities; Mom needed nursing services in an assisted living environment. Having Dad in Mom’s assisted living apartment kept the high school sweethearts together, but was costly and failed to provide Dad the stimulation and engagement he needed.
Rather than divide my care-giving attention between two parents living in different local communities, we decided Dad should go to Illinois where two of my siblings live. Transitioning to a new community without Mom was rocky. Early on Dad was accused of entering a woman’s room and refusing to leave. The name on the woman’s door was the same as my mother’s. Then he was accused of not cooperating with staff on multiple occasions. Each time, the facility sent him to a nearby hospital for a physical, mental and emotional evaluation. They also began prescribing antipsychotic drugs for his “aggression.” After 18 months, one of the staff members informed me that facility administrators had been discussing Dad’s “behavioral” issues and the possible need to move him to a behavioral institution.
While Dad was in Illinois struggling to adjust to life without his wife, Mom struggled, too. Alone for the first time after 63 years of marriage, Mom made the ultimate exit 8 months after Dad moved to Illinois.
Golden Nuggets
Realize no senior housing situation is permanent.
Always keep tabs on other communities and have a kick-out back-up plan.
Watch for signs that the community is building a case to expel your loved one and be prepared should it happen.
Monitor the pros and cons of your loved one’s chosen facility and leave, if necessary.
